I put down Agnieszka Kubicka – Błońska’s book and sighed. Because this book, which had been waiting for me for over a month, had to be read right now – to become the answer. For only a few weeks, maybe months, my only prayer was that God would let me know His heart; what does He want, how does He see the world? What plan does He have to do with me?
And I got the answer. It was hard for me to swallow it. It’s hard to come to terms with NOTHING. Just BE.
Being in God’s presence is not new to me, it is not a surprise, but it has become something difficult – I do not know why, I was called by a workaholic syndrome who decided that since God equips me with so many things, he does it for some reason. And that I must be vigilant, set myself up for a race that may begin in a moment. I have to look and listen to serve my God with whatever He wants, what plan He has for me, what service He has. I will do all this, I will take up, just waiting for the signal to start!
Meanwhile, God says: I have a task for you! … .. sit back on the couch and let’s stay with each other.
For several weeks, every morning, as well as during the day, I have entered a greenhouse in the garden, sit down in a chair, and say: God, I’m good here! How I like spending time here with you!
….. 5 seconds do not pass, when I start to think whether it is time to mount the poles for tomatoes, blow up the gladioli to the garden and whether the growing watermelon has enough water. I currently have Marta inside (Luke 10, 41-42) who cannot do nothing. Why?
Because I have a picture of myself 15 years ago – when I just met Jesus and fell in love with Him, when I immediately entered the church – into a Christian community in which there was so much to do! Well, I started doing: appearing as a speaker, preaching what God DID for me, attending congregation meetings, attending prayer meetings, educating people about health, everyone I met, preaching Jesus, and …. The leaflets! Usually, once a week, together with my sister in Christ, we got into the car packed with leaflets about the True Decalogue or the Second Coming of Jesus and rushed to the largest settlements in the city, throwing leaflets into letterboxes and wipers of parked cars.
Already driving, we sang songs from the prayer book and we had incredible joy in all this! And after the „action” – great satisfaction! We’ve done so much for God’s Kingdom! So many people „enlightened”!
How much was happening then! I felt so alive! However, I don’t remember ever asking God what and when we were supposed to do. Were these leaflets His will? We thought these were good things! Just like serving in church (at one point I had 7 different functions).
And then life – though still with God – became calmer. Suddenly I retired from many „projects” and stopped working. I was very focused on God in me. Or more me in Him?
I finally left the church. And suddenly I had nothing to do – no one asked me anything or asked for anything. Actions with leaflets and Friday meetings with long and earnest prayers are over. I stopped being part of the „working team” that you could hook up to.
How did i see it?
I settled on my laurels, God must have disappointed me; He still loves me, it is clear, because He is kind and loving, but His eyes seemed to be more focused on those who did not forget their calling and act all the time; Marcin Zieliński, Reinhard Hirtler, Heidi Baker, Bill Johnson etc. – they are doing SOMETHING for Him, they seem to understand what participation in the Kingdom of God is all about. I had already fallen out of the race, God had such hopes in me, I started well, and finally I remained among those who, of course, will be saved, but without any reward. I will not be greeted in Heaven with longing. I’ll just slip by the side door.
And then God comes
And says: who told you such nonsense about me? Let’s BE with each other.
And I hear the words of the song De Mono „Let’s be alone one day The only one to the end, Because I want to stay with you longer And not an hour or two One day is enough Because I want to stay with you longer ”.
and this „day” with God is not 24 hours. It is indefinite. When I tell him that I have already wasted so much time in my life doing nothing, God asks me:
– How do you know how much time you have?
I do not know. But looking into the past. And I hear: I do not look at you through the prism of the past, but the future and the present.
And I start spending time with God. On the couch – that is, doing nothing. Enjoying His presence, which I feel almost tangible. Is that what you meant? – asks my Father – your desire was to find out what my heart is, what is important to me. Well, know that BEING is the most important thing for me.
And again I came back to this wonderful, blissful place where we are together tete-a-tete.
Do you want service? Fight? DOING? You have to start with a couch / walk / dinner with God on His terms – as long as He wants and listen to His heart – engage in dialogue with him. Everything you ever do will have its beginning in this presence. If you undertake something outside of it, you risk dead works. You risk your own crusade. And you won’t get a reward for it.
Dear brothers and sisters,
I know that many of you suffer from Martha syndrome. I am writing „suffer” because God showed me that it ultimately leads to suffering; a man who does not feel comfortable doing nothing with God will treat Him as a settling (and ultimately full of dissatisfaction) master.
God wants to be above all a Father. The present Father, who is in no hurry, but knows the right time, knows the circumstances, nothing escapes His attention. HE sets the time when He wants to be with us on a walk!
It is during complete relaxation, resting a walk or time on the couch that we learn to talk to Him. And listen to Him. Without this time we will not know His voice. And only knowing the voice of God will we know what to do, finally leaving this couch. And only this finally will save us.
Love you and bless you!