I was walking through the middle of the mall and then I saw her: a tall blonde in high-heeled shoes which she didn’t seem to wear very often. From a distance I could see the hem of her red bra – it protruded from the body-hugging top on thin straps. Looking at her skirt, I immediately thought of all the tennis players – they looked like nuns next to her.
I could see confidence, even pride, on her face. I saw people watching her over and over as she passed, surreptitiously admiring herself in the shop windows. I wanted to run up to her, grab her arm and … embrace her tenderly, saying:
– Dear, in a dozen or so years you will really love the woman you see in this glass.
– How do you know that ?!
„Because I’m you from the future,” I would say.
If I had asked that one of me if she considered herself a beautiful woman, she would have looked at me with: you really ?! She would take a look at herself acknowledging: it’s OK!
– But no, I don’t ask if you feel sexy, but if you feel beautiful.
„It’s one and the same,” my twenty-year-old mirror image would say. And after returning home, washing off her makeup, shedding high heels she shouldn’t even have worn, putting on her pajamas, she would be reluctant to discover that no woman would ever fully accept herself, that it was simply impossible – that a woman, if not she is Cindy Crawford or Heidi Klum, she is doomed to fight with herself forever.
It’s a lie, but we’ll explain it later. Let’s focus on being
Three women told me that they never felt beautiful, that sometimes they felt sexy, but never beautiful. Meanwhile, sexuality is nothing more than a reproductive strategy.
Men, as evolutionary biologist Bret Weinstein explains, benefit from several reproductive options. Let’s skip the first, infamous (rape) and we have another: a monogamous relationship in which a man invests resources and energy to raise his offspring together.
Another option is one that is not desired by a woman, but is ideal for a man: fertilization of a partner = bringing into the world the offspring that she will raise = going through all the hardships of parenting alone, without much involvement of a man. Thus, a woman, to encourage a potential man, uses a quick and effective method – being sexy, sexually. Only the price paid by a sexy woman has always been high: single motherhood.
However, several things have changed since then – one such revolution was the invention of the birth control pill, which allowed the woman to take control of her sex life, but mentally did not change much; like the old world, men still pay attention to certain features of a woman’s appearance, which – whether they know it or not – tell them about a woman’s fertility, and women strive very much for these features and – whether they know it or not – provide information about their reproductive readiness.
But they tell – perhaps primarily – about something else. Just as anorexia or bulimia transmits a subliminal message, so does exposing your body, wanting to be an object of desire – too.
Usually it’s one of these pieces of information:
– I do not have a relationship with the father / father is not my authority / He never appreciated me as a woman
– I have been sexually abused, I have experienced sexual abuse
So when I see girls who want to be sexy at all costs, want to attract with their looks – often exaggerated, I want to say to each of them: someone hurt you once, but this is all to fight. Today I am full of understanding for them, because I was like that once; an unhappy girl who thinks she has everything under control as long as others like her.
Would you rather be beautiful or sexy?
Do you remember those infantile questions from your childhood: if someone gave you a choice, would you like to be beautiful but stupid or smart and ugly? I really hesitated as a child. Today I would answer that I would like to be wise – because then I would also know that I am beautiful and what this beauty really is, how to recognize it and carry it through life.
Sexuality passes with age, beauty can last until death.
A beautiful woman – is it hard to find one?
A woman is designed to be beautiful, surround herself with beauty, and spread beauty. Dot. Have I already told you that in Hebrew the word good means the same as beautiful? It’s hard to disagree with it – what is truly beautiful is also good, and what is good becomes beautiful at the same time. But we often despise beauty.
Women depreciate each other (they fight „rivals”) – they evaluate other women’s buttocks, their weight, tan, makeup or lips. I did that too.
One of the famous Polish fitness trainers, Ewa Chodakowska, also heard it. I once read that she heard she had a horse’s face. I’m sure it hurt her, but in the end she turned it into a joke and even compared herself to a horse – that she works as hard as the horse does!
In fairy tales, you also hate beauty; stepmothers haunt Cinderella, Snow White. Evil is disturbed by beauty. Because beauty and life with beauty means true strength.
Paradoxically, the Christian church fights (fought) with beauty, adhering rather to character traits, to Christian virtues, rather than to what is external. I agree. But when we go back to the Bible…. imagination cannot remain indifferent to images such as:
And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. (Revelation 4:3)
Or this one:
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes are doves. (Song of Songs 1:15)
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
descending from the hills of Gilead.
2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,
coming up from the washing.
Each has its twin;
not one of them is alone.
3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;
your mouth is lovely.
Your temples behind your veil
are like the halves of a pomegranate.
4 Your neck is like the tower of David,
built with courses of stone;
on it hang a thousand shields,
all of them shields of warriors.
5 Your breasts are like two fawns,
like twin fawns of a gazelle
that browse among the lilies.
6 Until the day breaks
and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain of myrrh
and to the hill of incense.
7 You are altogether beautiful, my darling;
there is no flaw in you.
(Song of Songs 4:1-7)
See? Beauty was created by God. We read in the Bible
And God saw everything He made was very…. beautiful. (Genesis 1:31)
Let us not go 100 percent into sapiosexuality – which I read about recently and which I somehow worshiped quietly. Let’s not look for more models of beauty and definitions to which we will try to match, because we will go crazy.
Look at this: women used to be told, „Don’t eat so much or your ass will grow!” – Today, when looking at procedures of having an ass like the Kardashians, you should probably be saying the warning: „If you do not eat, your ass will not grow!”.
The world expects beauty from women – and each of us knows it very well. And this knowledge hurts – because it is not known what this beauty actually is and whether we are enough.
But the same world has distorted beauty, replacing it with fashion, superficial sexiness, botox and testosterone injections – because when beauty is strength, the world sends us a message: be a MALE beauty and as strong as a man. How not to go crazy? How to discover this beauty in yourself that is locked in the dungeon, inside us and finally love yourself? And do we need it at all?
Many women do not understand their beauty – they feel confused about it. After all, they are satisfied with the exterior and fight for it. Read this story:
„(…) she runs up to several kilometers a day. She pays attention to what she eats (…) And yet … when you are with her, your heart does not rest. Her beauty is impressive, but not attractive. The reason is simple: she fights (…) Her beauty is fragile, uncertain. It doesn’t come from her heart. It gives the impression of being forced, from the outside, imposed by discipline and fear ” (Stasi Eldredge, Captivating)
Do you know such women? I had the pleasure to meet the one. Always perfect look, even in a tracksuit – the walking rule called a pretty person is pretty in everything. Every door opened for this girl – and she didn’t even have to smile. She could show men the greatest indifference, and they clung to her – even when she was wearing sneakers. When she put the high heels on – she never heard the words „No”, „You can’t.”
This time it’s not about me! – because when I was walking beside her, I was totally invisible. The world saw only my friend – it is a pity that she did not dig into the deposits of her beauty!
At that time, I did not understand why such an attractive girl desired by everyone (then I saw with my own eyes what madness guys are able to do to impress a woman!) Is constantly sad, alert, controlling and makes – without doing anything – that and I’m starting to feel this way! …. I couldn’t rest with her.
“Her beauty is thin, uncertain. It doesn’t come from her heart. „
On reflection, will you agree that
“A truly beautiful woman offers grace and space for others to grow. In her presence, we can reduce the tension and pressure that squeezes our heart so often. We can also breathe the truth that God loves us and is good. ” (Stasi Eldredge, Captivating)
I discovered it years later. Many years. But admit, especially you women, that there is a problem with this. Because the world teaches us to be useful first of all. To be biblical Marta (a woman who constantly bustles about trying to please a visitor).
Meanwhile, beauty is presence (Maria – Martha’s sister who sits with Jesus and listens to Him) – not necessarily being useful in a practical, prosaic way, some work to be done. Beauty is opening the heart with its sensitivity, wisely giving the world what is best in us, giving presence, getting rid of unnecessary control, domination, and instead a balanced self-control, and I would say: self-reign.
I know it’s hard in a world full of wounds. We are simply taught to protect our soul, but we often make decisions ourselves that are against our destiny (because we do not know it) – which results in a loss of confidence in the world, in men and builds an even greater defense wall. That is why we often react to the slogans „give ourselves to the world” and „be for others” like a hedgehog; we withdraw. Because we don’t want to be naive, good-natured, stupid again.
Beauty is easy to put out and most often it is done by another, undervalued woman (mother, sister) or schoolmates – more on that next time.
… .. we don’t have to try to be beautiful – beauty is in us. We just need to extract it, or rather let it be extracted and make good, valuable use of it. How?
„A woman becomes beautiful when she knows she is truly loved” (Stasi Eldredge)
Go to the One who is responsible for creating us like this – and Who is not surprised, does not wring his hands over us, but you delight Him as you already are. He has the power to revive your soul, to set in motion all the deposits of your beauty that will start working inside, coming out and out! To God. It was He who encouraged me to write this post. And this is just the beginning!
I have a message for you:
God does not compare you to any of the biblical characters, or to any other woman He has ever created. He will never tell you to try to be like Mary – the mother of Jesus, Eve or the brave woman in Solomon’s proverbs.
He is here and now, he knows your name and wants to make you unique in the measure of Himself – so that you reflect His glory and bring His attributes to the world; beauty, goodness, wisdom, courage, strength, freedom, sensitivity, authenticity, truth, and so on. Because that’s what the world needs.
The beauty God offers is not Mount Everest. You don’t have to roll up your sleeves when undertaking an unwinnable fight. Many women are just like a buried diamond mine – you have to move it, start digging into the deposits. And He can do it best.
It definitely changes the perspective! When you come for an answer to Him.
This frees a woman from being dependent on any opinion of any man and – I believe – makes her truly beautiful, attractively strong. Strong women, on the other hand, attract strong men.
True beauty does not pass away with time – but it grows in strength and becomes everlasting with time – it is the only quality that we can transfer to the other side – to eternity. The only one.
– you despised beauty, saying that you do not need it for anything
– you were ashamed of your femininity
– or you don’t know what it is
– you want to know what exactly to do to discover the woman that you really are and how it all works
Take a look here from time to time as I’m starting with the theme of femininity. I never thought I’d ever bring it up, but God put it on my heart, literally following me, repeating the same thing over and over again – until I saw that he was just making the change in me He wanted and I am to share this topic with all women – and some men by the way.
In the next episode on femininity: What kills a woman in a woman and how to get rid of it.
the whole text in Polish you’ll read here.